The MOST feared word..."NO"

The MOST feared word..."NO".

No - probably the two of the most difficult letters to say in the English language, saying no feels awkward.... sometimes even wrong

So of course, whenever somebody asks us to do something, we say “Sure” or the infamous “Yes”. Although in many instances we feel the opposite, maybe you would much rather finish up your essay that's due in a few hours or go out on a date with your partner. 

While being a university student I always said yes to things whether it was picking up a few more hours at my job or getting involved in two dozen extra clubs. Over piling myself with work and too many commitments became a regular occurrence until I experienced burnout. This experience helped me understand that saying “no” is an absolute must to be successful and healthy in the modern world.

Why is it so hard to say no?

As kids we are taught that the word “no” is impolite, it is something off-limits and we should ‘always’ help out people around us. Now, this is great when you are a kid but not when you are an adult with thousands of responsibilities. We are now fully capable of making mature decisions and knowing what is wrong and what is right. Saying no should no longer be off-limits, but should be something we decide for ourselves. 

Unfortunately, we still hold dearly to our childhood belief that saying “no” will lead to us being seen as rude, impolite and be disliked by others. We worry that by saying no we will feel humiliated, guilty and will end up being rejected and abandoned when we need it. 

Saying no is actually a great thing

Saying “no” allows us to have authority over our lives and our decisions. It gives us an opportunity to build a fulfilling and meaningful life on our own terms and not on the terms of those around us. As one author claims, saying no:

•     Creates space in our schedules to rest and recharge

•     Allows us to engage in activities that align with our current goals

•     Gives us an ability to set boundaries with loved ones and colleagues

Ask yourself these questions when you are not sure if its right to say ‘No”

• Will saying yes prevent me from achieving more important goals?

• Does this opportunity align with my values, beliefs, and goals?

• I am physically and mentally capable of completing this task or will saying yes make me even more tired or burnt out?

• In the past, when have I said “yes” in a similar situation did I end up regretting it?

“The No Framework”

Incorporating these tips into your life will slowly make it easier to take control of your life and give you more confidence in saying “no” to others.

1) Avoid these like Lava.

• “Umm, I don’t know.”

• “I’m not sure.”

• “It’s tough to say.”

• “Well, maybe I could do it. But…”

Wishy-washy answers like these can leave the other person wondering what you actually mean. Try to be as clear as possible that you genuinely mean “no”

2) Express gratitude

Many people might think that saying no can destroy relationships with the other person, however saying it properly while expressing gratitude will do quite the opposite.

  Express gratitude by saying these:

• Thank you for thinking of me!”

• “I greatly appreciate you asking.”

• “You coming to me really means a lot.”

3) Be assertive and offer alternatives

Saying something along the lines of “I'm sorry I can't right now but will let you know when and if I can." can be a great approach to say ‘no’ to others. This allows you to be clear about your desires and still sound polite.

4) Be selfish

As Warren Buffett once said, "The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say no to almost everything." Nothing wrong with being a little selfish, sometimes you need to put your needs first. Prioritizing the needs of other people rather than your own can have a detrimental impact on your productivity, mental health and can sometimes lead to resentment over decisions you have made. 

5) Realize that small steps lead to big outcomes

Start with small things, such as when someone offers you extra parmesan in the restaurant (of course unless you genuinely want some :)) or when someone asks you to help them to study for the midterm. Remember there is a difference between being impolite and setting boundaries. Being there for your friends and family is critical but we need to realize that it is not always possible.

6) Give yourself time to make decisions

If you notice you are often forced to say ‘yes’ to things when you are pushed for time, give yourself some breathing room. Try to give yourself some extra decision time by saying things such as “Could you please forward me the information about this, and I will get back to you” or “Let me check my schedule for that day and I will get back to you”. Small steps like these are what is going to help you in the long run and will give you better autonomy over your decisions.

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Final Thoughts

No is often considered one of the most daunting words to have ever existed, a word that is feared by many of us. However, learning how and when to use it will have a major positive impact on your life

Saying no is a skill that CAN be mastered. With a little trial and error and patience, you will be a pro at saying no to others. This will help you increase your confidence, allow you to stay on track with the goals that matter to you and most importantly give you an opportunity to build a fulfilling and meaningful life on your own terms.

Pro tip: Do not say no to free parmesan in a restaurant 😊

Vladislav Gavrilov

Vice President Students

References

https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no

https://www.inc.com/jonathan-alpert/7-ways-to-say-no-to-someone-and-not-feel-bad-about-it.html

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/02/want-to-improve-your-life-just-say-no

https://tinybuddha.com/blog/stop-saying-yes-want-say-no/

Why do I love Failing?

Why do I love Failing?

Failure, a word that most of us dread. This is something that all of us want to stay away from. Just like many of you, from early childhood I was taught that failure is a bad thing and that we should avoid it AT ALL COSTS.  University and other extra curricular experiences helped me understand that failure is actually a normal part of life and is something that is critical for our growth. 

A common motto you see many quoting is: “If you aren't failing you're not taking big enough risks”. And I completely agree with this, I believe that if everything in your life is going as planned and you are not experiencing failure, you ARE living within your comfort zone without stretching and growing.

So why do we fear failure?

Failure is often accompanied by a variety of emotions: embarrassment, anxiety, anger, sadness, and shame, to name a few. Those feelings are uncomfortable, and most of us will do anything to escape these.

It is natural to avoid things that can cause discomfort. Failure can be an extremely painful, embarrassing and sometimes shameful experience. So why do we think of failure as a bad thing? Often, we tie the concept of failure to our personal sense of self-worth

However, we need to start coming to the realization that failure is critical for our growth. We learn from failure, gain new perspectives about life, and learn how to perform differently next time. Failure provides us with information and knowledge that gets us closer to our goals. 

Failure of famous people

• Walt Disney got rejected 302 times before someone was willing to give him financing to help build Disney world

• Colonel Harland Sander heard the word “no” 1009 times before his famous KFC recipe was purchased

• Michael Jordan was quoted saying: “I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games. On 26 occasions I have been entrusted to take the game winning shot, and I missed. I have failed over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”

These people were able to succeed because they accepted failure as part of their growth and improved every single time!

Benefits of failing

As Mel Schwartz writes , “the paradox is that the consequences that we try so hard to avoid may be precisely what we need to experience.”

Just like playing a video game we need to acquire a certain amount of experience and wisdom to move to the next level. This is similar to life, where we need to overcome challenging experiences in order to take the next step in our lives and see real growth

How one article quotes: 

• “It is possible that your biggest mistake in your career can be precisely what you learn to master so well you can teach it to others. And that can serve as the steppingstone for the next breakthrough in your life.

• It is possible that your financial mistakes revealed your limiting beliefs about money, and by fixing them, you can learn to acquire wealth.

• It is possible that your failure in public speaking motivates you to master this skill, and you become admirably great at this and learn to love it.”

Steps to Overcome and Learn From Failure

What can we do to be more proactive in experiencing and overcoming failure, here are some tips:

1) Accept your emotions

A 2017 study published in the Journal of Behavioral Decision Making claimed that we should accept the emotions that come with failure, it is okay to feel upset or angry. We should not be afraid to acknowledge how we are feeling.

2) Practice Healthy Coping Skills

Do you ever go to the gym when feeling stressed or call a friend for advice after an unsuccessful test, well these might be your coping skills. Try to figure out a few coping skills that work for YOU and use them whenever you fail…which we all do….. A LOT

3) Reframe your thoughts

 Have you ever been late to class simply because your car wouldn't start? Well, I sure have, and that is okay. Realize that many failures that we come upon in our lives are external factors, sometimes factors we have absolutely no control over and no matter how much we plan we will not be 100% ready for them. Most importantly don’t beat yourself over with this.

4) Remind yourself

Whenever you are faced with failure try to have the following thoughts:

• Failure is the evidence that I am challenging myself and growing

• I have failed in the past and I was able to overcome it, and I will overcome it this time

• I can handle this failure and I can learn from it

5) Create a game plan

Okay now you faced failure head on, created coping mechanisms, now what? Next step is to analyze this failure and understand what can be done in the future. Easiest example is if you scored a low grade on the test, try to analyze what topics and sections in the test were the most difficult, and focus all your attention on those topics. Learning from your mistakes is the most critical skill that will help you grow.

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Final Thoughts

Failure is a great teacher, a valuable lesson and at the same time our worst enemy. Many of us are afraid to fail, as we have always been taught that failure does not equal success or winning. 

By starting to reframe our thinking of failure and analyzing how certain failures can be prevented in the future, we can take these lessons as steppingstones in our lives. Steppingstones that will help us grow, learn new skills, and become more successful in both personal and professional lives.

Use failure as your new best friend, rather than an enemy you want to avoid.  And this is why I love failing!

Vladislav Gavrilov

Vice President Students