The MOST feared word..."NO".
No - probably the two of the most difficult letters to say in the English language, saying no feels awkward.... sometimes even wrong
So of course, whenever somebody asks us to do something, we say “Sure” or the infamous “Yes”. Although in many instances we feel the opposite, maybe you would much rather finish up your essay that's due in a few hours or go out on a date with your partner.
While being a university student I always said yes to things whether it was picking up a few more hours at my job or getting involved in two dozen extra clubs. Over piling myself with work and too many commitments became a regular occurrence until I experienced burnout. This experience helped me understand that saying “no” is an absolute must to be successful and healthy in the modern world.
Why is it so hard to say no?
As kids we are taught that the word “no” is impolite, it is something off-limits and we should ‘always’ help out people around us. Now, this is great when you are a kid but not when you are an adult with thousands of responsibilities. We are now fully capable of making mature decisions and knowing what is wrong and what is right. Saying no should no longer be off-limits, but should be something we decide for ourselves.
Unfortunately, we still hold dearly to our childhood belief that saying “no” will lead to us being seen as rude, impolite and be disliked by others. We worry that by saying no we will feel humiliated, guilty and will end up being rejected and abandoned when we need it.
Saying no is actually a great thing
Saying “no” allows us to have authority over our lives and our decisions. It gives us an opportunity to build a fulfilling and meaningful life on our own terms and not on the terms of those around us. As one author claims, saying no:
Creates space in our schedules to rest and recharge
Allows us to engage in activities that align with our current goals
Gives us an ability to set boundaries with loved ones and colleagues
Ask yourself these questions when you are not sure if its right to say ‘No”
Will saying yes prevent me from achieving more important goals?
Does this opportunity align with my values, beliefs, and goals?
I am physically and mentally capable of completing this task or will saying yes make me even more tired or burnt out?
In the past, when have I said “yes” in a similar situation did I end up regretting it?
“The No Framework”
Incorporating these tips into your life will slowly make it easier to take control of your life and give you more confidence in saying “no” to others.
1) Avoid these like Lava.
“Umm, I don’t know.”
“I’m not sure.”
“It’s tough to say.”
“Well, maybe I could do it. But…”
Wishy-washy answers like these can leave the other person wondering what you actually mean. Try to be as clear as possible that you genuinely mean “no”
2) Express gratitude
Many people might think that saying no can destroy relationships with the other person, however saying it properly while expressing gratitude will do quite the opposite.
Express gratitude by saying these:
Thank you for thinking of me!”
“I greatly appreciate you asking.”
“You coming to me really means a lot.”
3) Be assertive and offer alternatives
Saying something along the lines of “I'm sorry I can't right now but will let you know when and if I can." can be a great approach to say ‘no’ to others. This allows you to be clear about your desires and still sound polite.
4) Be selfish
As Warren Buffett once said, "The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say no to almost everything." Nothing wrong with being a little selfish, sometimes you need to put your needs first. Prioritizing the needs of other people rather than your own can have a detrimental impact on your productivity, mental health and can sometimes lead to resentment over decisions you have made.
5) Realize that small steps lead to big outcomes
Start with small things, such as when someone offers you extra parmesan in the restaurant (of course unless you genuinely want some :)) or when someone asks you to help them to study for the midterm. Remember there is a difference between being impolite and setting boundaries. Being there for your friends and family is critical but we need to realize that it is not always possible.
6) Give yourself time to make decisions
If you notice you are often forced to say ‘yes’ to things when you are pushed for time, give yourself some breathing room. Try to give yourself some extra decision time by saying things such as “Could you please forward me the information about this, and I will get back to you” or “Let me check my schedule for that day and I will get back to you”. Small steps like these are what is going to help you in the long run and will give you better autonomy over your decisions.
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Final Thoughts
No is often considered one of the most daunting words to have ever existed, a word that is feared by many of us. However, learning how and when to use it will have a major positive impact on your life
Saying no is a skill that CAN be mastered. With a little trial and error and patience, you will be a pro at saying no to others. This will help you increase your confidence, allow you to stay on track with the goals that matter to you and most importantly give you an opportunity to build a fulfilling and meaningful life on your own terms.
Pro tip: Do not say no to free parmesan in a restaurant 😊
Vladislav Gavrilov
Vice President Students
References
https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no
https://www.inc.com/jonathan-alpert/7-ways-to-say-no-to-someone-and-not-feel-bad-about-it.html
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/02/want-to-improve-your-life-just-say-no
https://tinybuddha.com/blog/stop-saying-yes-want-say-no/